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Healing can't begin unless the person who is caught admits to their wrongdoing.

"It starts with owning the event itself, without casting any blame," Rosenberg said.

"None of us has time to manage our texts and emails, so if I'm finding the time to manage this, there's something typically going wrong."Denial: "If you say, 'You're on your computer a lot,' and they emphatically deny it, that's a sign there could be guilt," he said, "because if they aren't doing something inappropriate they won't really protest."Coping with the problem Is it possible to rebuild a partnership once the trust has been broken?

Therapy is usually needed to address the problem and its fallout.

' They might not be able to cross that bridge of forgiveness with you."Forgiveness isn't easy.

"Forgiveness is a choice, it's not mandatory," Rosenberg said.

Smith in an article for the American Psychological Association, "Are Internet Affairs Different?

" The freedom to fantasize, without the intrusion of reality — as well as the anonymity afforded by the Internet — also can be alluring.

"They're going to be in shock and betrayal, and faced with the fear of having their life turned inside out, wondering how they're going to survive without their partner if things don't get resolved.

Gary Neuman, author of "Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship" (Three Rivers Press).

"And then you put a video game on or something." Oh, Jimmy. In maybe the best 9 minutes of television ever, Nicole Kidman revealed on Tuesday's "Tonight Show" that once upon a time she sorta, kinda had a thing for Jimmy Fallon. "And then you put a video game on or something." Oh, Jimmy. In maybe the best 9 minutes of television ever, Nicole Kidman revealed on Tuesday's "Tonight Show" that once upon a time she sorta, kinda had a thing for Jimmy Fallon. (Heidi Stevens)"I will have an easier time as a therapist if the couple walks in and the man or woman had random sex with a stranger than somebody who has found a best friend on the Internet and they haven't even touched," Neuman said.

"The relationship work that needs to happen requires accountability, remorse and empathy.

The least you can do, as the person who crossed the boundary, is to have empathy for the person who discovers it and express genuine remorse."But this can be complicated if the person who is caught doesn't consider the cyber relationship to be an affair, he said."The man or woman who wants to say, 'But I never met them' is someone who is in denial or trying to manipulate, and that is part of a bigger problem that needs to be resolved with professional help," he said.

I was co-hosting a company-sponsored discussion last fall, open to the public, about coping with divorce. The whole affair was online."The man added that his marriage had ended partly because of it — but still, he needed clarification about whether that Internet relationship constituted infidelity. Several people in the audience nodded "yes," followed by a response from our expert on hand, therapist and author Ross Rosenberg, who specializes in treating sex addiction."Cheating is when you are verbally, emotionally or physically intimate with somebody other than your spouse or partner," said Rosenberg, author of "The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us" (PESI Publishing and Media).

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