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" "HRARRGL HRAARRGL GRRRAAARRRGL," says a big ol dog bitin an spittin an growlin at terror. Once before, the Medium Lobster addressed this issue, specifically with regards to the possibility of postponing the election to prevent a Demacratoterrorist victory. So lately I've been hearin a lotta people goin "Oh Fafnir what is the point a votin? I am small an weak an easily devoured by predators, blah blah blah. You may know from NBC's 'Survivor' how important voting can be! "Bah, I'm old, I don't care about people get me my ointment! But you should care old people because the next president could Destroy Social Security! You will be poor an lonely an cold with no one to talk to, that is where. Draft you into a horrible meaningless war in a horrible meaningless hellhole like Whorecrapistan, a country made entirely of land mines an poison an constantly erupting volcanoes occupied by feuding warlords, fundamentalist religious groups an strongly nationalistic guerillas who see the US intervention as a ploy to exploit their rich supply of magma. For if it is at least in the understanding alone, it can be imagined to be in reality too, which is greater... By that argument there must exist a pie such that no greater pie can be imagined, which therefore must exist. Even as we speak political operatives are helpfully choppin every bit of substance out of last night's debate an packaging it into convenient soundbite form! An how can you be commander-in-chief when you degrade our allies by callin Osama bin Laden a hooker? He's gonna hunt down that hooker, smoke her out, an pay her for sex. REASONS TO VOTE FOR JOHN KERRYGeorge Bush is told what to say through a "wire" implanted on his back! Still-reputable Salon has quoted a technical expert who says that a mysterious bulge on the president's back couldn't be anything else but a hidden transmitter implanted in his spine through which some evil mastermind - most likely the nefarious Karl Rove - controls the leader of the free world with an RC car remote! With any luck we won't have to talk about borin ol stupid ol "issues" at all!
"Ceci n'est pas une pipe." Well always know where a big ol dog stands on hard issues like terror! Voter fraud valiantly protects Americans from this possibility by removing that right in order to safeguard it. I hope all of us out there learned an important lesson today."Ho ho ho! You can make a difference, as long as you live in a swing state and don't throw away your vote on a third party! "Santa you terrify me and I will obey your every command! That's right you are terrified because you are so old an frail an you need your Social Security to survive but what if the next president is an evil president who's all "blah blah screw social security" where will you be then, old people? And certainly that than which a greater cannot be imagined cannot be in the understanding alone. Well last night was the Third Presidential Debate an therefore the last most important thing that will happen ever for the rest of time.* This means things will be borin from now on cause there won't be Big Important Events in the presidential campaign."Oh no! "That means there will be nothin but years' worth of issues and records to look at to help me decide who to vote for! "Don't worry Undecided Voter there are plenty of meaningless but fun things that will come up in the meantime to help you cast your vote! Yes she actually is openly gay and even has worked to recruit gay voters for her father's campaign. Not like the insurance or pharmaceutical industries! It doesn't really sound as important as yknow the gay thing. There's lotsa important things out there that we'll get to talk about in the next coupla weeks!
As some a you know me an Giblets proudly treasure our Sri Lankan heritage an so we have always celebrated Halloween an its deep Sri Lankan roots. And the moment America wavers before terror is the moment Freedom itself will die. I'm sittin in Orlok's Diner right now havin a mug a root beer an a slice a fresh lizard pie in Mole City where John Kerry an George Bush have both visited in the past two days. Tragically, occasional efforts to account for voter intent has often conflicted with democracy's higher, more noble calling. And while the reality of Iraq may have steadily deteriorated, the idea of Iraq becomes brighter and brighter every day - and George Bush has stood for that idea, as he has stood for the idea of nuclear proliferation, even while scaling back on Nunn-Lugar and coddling Pakistan; as he has stood for the rebuilding of Afghanistan, even while consistently cutting corners on its funding; as he has stood for protecting the environment, even while gutting a host of environmental regulations dating back to the Nixon era; as he has stood for Homeland Security, even while dangerously underfunding actual security in ports, on borders, and in America's largest cities; as he has stood for civil liberties, even while supporting an amendment to make every gay American a second-class citizen and claiming the right to suspend the Geneva conventions. He voted three thousand twenty-two times to support the 'I Love Being A Liberal! Or to put it in a positive light: Does John Kerry feel confident about winnin the Atheists and Heathens vote? He really needs to talk comfortably about his faith more. If you vote for him he will show you what Optimism looks like."Is Roe v Wade our Dred Scott? " says me after we finish burning Zombie Lincoln."Man I hope not," says Giblets. "Giblets is sittin in the pumpkin patch waitin for Osama bin Laden. He does this every year."Giblets you will catch cold," says me. "Nothing is outside the text, including Derrida.""Then he couldn't die," says me. John Kerry handles himself by amblin around stage in a folksy manner to win the confidence of his audience. "We will stuff an preserve it on our next trip."Next time we will capture an tag a group of taxis to study their fascinatin migratory patterns. Change You Can Suspend Your Disbelief In The Legend of Benjamin Healy Fat Old Sun First Contact!
The roots of the first Halloween began in Sri Lanka where once a year an ancient symbolic battle was re-enacted between Nature, symbolized by a chieftain in ceremonial headdress, an pumpkins, as symbolized by delicious pumpkins! Some of you may be saying, "Ah, but the fact that bin Laden is still alive is proof of the Bush administration's failure in the war on terror - proof that we shouldn't vote for him! Osama bin Laden's back - an just in time for Halloween too! Four years ago if you'd said the Kingdom of the Mole Men would be a battleground state somebody would say you were crazy. This time you're in Orlok's Diner askin him about the election an eatin lizard pie."Upworlder filth! "Orlok kill upworlders and feed their skulls to lavabeast! This is why the reduction of the voting electorate is critical to the maintenance of democracy. ""Then we are helpless before their power," says me. And in this we see that the George Bush presidency has elevated not only conventional politics, but the presidency itself, to an ideal: the president is no longer an executive who acts, but an Icon, who represents that which ordinary presidents hope to achieve by way of acting. "After a couple hours a hittin Chris with a flag we finally dropped him in one a the Work Receptacles to be picked up by his corporate masters for a hearty day's labor. Why stick to an either/or when you can have a both/and! You will love it an hate it an it will provide you everythin you need in the world! You know this because the Puritans told you so, an they were right about everythin that didn't involve burnin Quakers at the stake! And hopefully your children's lives, as we work towards a bold new future consisting almost entirely of part-time and temporary workers devoid of health benefits and working increasingly in low-paying service jobs! There are seventy thousand dead in Darfur an I'm watchin TV. Like George Bush does when he says "Being gay is a choice between Americans, their God, and the holy fire that consumes their cities."But notice how the president was very compassionate on that one, talkin bout how gay people have the freedom to be gay. "Osama isn't comin this year.""Yes he will yes he will! "Every election Osama bin Laden flies around the world to visit the least sincere pumpkin patch and its political campaign and he'll visit Giblets's this time! We threw a Deathday Party to undermine the hegemonic life/death binary but for some reason everybody was still kinda sad."I don't get it," says me. "After all if he did he would be reinforcin the hegemonic Dead Derrida/Live Derrida binary.""We must deconstruct Derrida's death! At one point he builds a barn, which prompts the audience's lone Amish member to comment "Good work, English." George Bush tends to assert his strength in the debate by jumpin up behind John Kerry, clubbing audience members over the head with a wrench, an by launching himself out of a cannon wearin a unitard emblazoned with the logo "The Mighty Thor."George Bush laughs off a question on the draft by calling it a "rumor on the internets." His sweat then causes his secret wired earpiece to spark and set his suit on fire, which John Kerry extinguishes with his pack of concealed notes. There is always more to learn from the strange an savage yet beautiful world of the jungle. Things To Do Slavoj Zizek Boxes a Norwegian Red Vinland Ho Conifers At The Opera Urgent!
They named the festival "Autumn," which means "pumpkin" in Sri Lankan. After all, the successful completion of a ballot isn't the best, most accurate assessment of one's intelligence; an IQ test is. And that, my friends, is an idea worth standing for the concept of fighting for. When he quotes the Bible how much of it should be Old Testament stuff an how much should be the softer Jesusy stuff? Should her pants suits make her look like a pretend on-the-go businesswoman or an aggressively inoffensive modern housemarm? Your boss spends most of his time talkin to larger, more aggressive bosses. It even fights the Iraq War by the election schedule! I am sure I could answer all those questions an more if there wasn't a huge dog standin on my porch."Can George Bush win without Ohio this year dog? "They got Eskimos up there." John Kerry says he has a plan to give health care to all Americans but it will require the stationing of elite government health stormtroopers in every doctor's office in America.
Autumn was later introduced to the Americas by the Pilgrims, who burned witches in honor of Guy Fawkes Day cause the Pilgrims were too poor to afford straw but had all these witches just lyin around. Guarded by Giblets in a verrrry spoooky hockey mask! IQ assessments should be made mandatory before any voter registers, in order to weed those competent enough to participate in Freedom from the ranks of the unwashed. "Then we can all settle down and get a pizza with the bear! So a course it took us a while for everybody here at Fafblog News Headquarters to weigh all of these super important factors to make our decision, smush it up, an bake it in tasty endorsement form. ""Think of all the starvin children in India who would love to be horribly exploited for your job," says me. ""Think of all the starvin children in India who ARE," says Giblets. George Bush, in a missed opportunity, says "I'm good with that."George Bush says he has protected the environment with such policies as his Healthy Smog Initiative an his Delicious Mercury Act.
The Pilgrims believed that all fire came from the center of the earth, where Jesus an Moses live an fight each other for eternity. This is veeery scaaaary cider an veeerrry deadly donuts. Ah, but you object, would a forced IQ test on every potential voter be truly cost effective? We hope you like it an take it as it was intended: as the voices of the mighty mighty star-gods returnin to carve the new commandments of the universe into the livin rock. "Pullin the rickshaw for the fat people isn't as bad as this.""Or bein mauled by wild dogs," says Giblets."Or bein attacked by death squads," says me."Or bein dissected alive by organ harvesters," says Giblets. John Kerry says that mercury is not really as delicious as the president says it is an says he has a plan to protect the environment by holdin a summit with it. "Giblets needs to look bold.""Giblets we agreed to share the pith helmet," says me.
""I went as the unquenchable consumption of our limited resources," says Giblets. " says me."This one tells me why role-playing games are witchcraft," says Giblets. We need a president that will send the right message to the terrorists. On November 2 vote for a leader with resolve an determination. In the nonstop panic attack that is the modern American national security climate, it is difficult to see who may best lead America... For while many things may be unclear in the heady rhetoric of the campaign season, one thing is certain: Giblets will destroy you if you do not vote for him. It is not a question of "if" but of "when." The only question left is: which leader do you trust to handle an attack by Giblets? Giblets is a massive world-endangering force of nature and to turn back the force of this awesome Gibletsian tide America must turn... How serious are John Kerry and George Bush about protecting America from Giblets? The city fathers and the graybeard authorities will be left clucking at the audacity of his fantastical menagerie of fucks! Leen's The Two Americas the other day an ponderin the tragedy of our divided nation. An come to understand that in the warming light of universal peace an harmony we are all God's children. And how much more political can you get to use minority status to divide a country?
""I got apples an coupons for french fries an pennies an evangelical religious tracts! That shows real determination which is important because we cannot wait for evidence of the squeaky toy ball when the evidence could come in the form of a mushroom cloud. There is only one candidate who understands Giblets and the threat posed by Giblets my friends. Other candidates believe that Giblets can be handled with "police operations" or "reduced to nuisance levels." Giblets knows better. Giblets is a threat to Western civilization - a threat to freedom itself! Only Giblets can protect America from Giblets because only Giblets "gets" Giblets. Q: It seems like you're working on updated plans for an emergency draft of medical personnel... "Hi my name is John Kerry an I am having gay sex with Osama bin Laden while planning to raise taxes on your aborted fetuses an I approve this message." That would really give me insight into who I should vote for. How much more personal can you get than by dragging someone's sexuality into the political arena to score a couple cheap political points?"Which is the second death.""They say on a Halloween just like this two bloggers just like you an me met their tragic fate," says Giblets."They picked up a mysterious hitchhiker," says me. "It's a pretty avant-garde revolution.""Very true," says Giblets. But if we didn't do food rationin how else could we make people eat an eagle a day? ""An yknow cases of eagle-poisoning dropped a whole lot once we ran outta eagle! Lesser revolutionaries would have defended the revolution by leavin the army at home. "It lives on in our hearts.""We should get that looked at," says Giblets pokin his chest."It could be indigestion," says me. In light of the grave threat posed by Osama bin Laden's videotape Fafblog has declared a twelve-hour truce with rival blogs in order to allow Americans to absorb what happened today. The Medium Lobster is equally baffled and amused to see the usual parade of frenzied liberals calling for an end to voter fraud and intimidation, for coherent ballot design, and a general increase in the voting population. " You form committees and parent-teacher organizations. ""What, you mean the high explosives by the washer an dryer? ""I'm kinda suspicious of that Gallup poll Giblets," says Fafnir. In the poll 82% of likely voters were Giblets, whereas in 2000 exit polls indicated that less than 1% of voters were actually Giblets.""Away from Giblets with your lying anti-Giblets lies! Already Giblets is festooned in his royal garb and ready to take his seat upon the throne of power in the Oval Office, which will give him complete control over America. But George Bush didn't just see the task: he saw the grand idea behind the task, and better still, the vague abstractions behind the grand idea. Fafblog has been down an out for a couple days but we are back with delayed DEBATE BLOGGING!